Diversity is so successful in driving Canada to the forefront of nations that everyone has noticed. The Toronto Maple Leafs, long the cellar dwellers of the NHL have finally clued in to what makes their team so dismally mediocre – it is the lack of diversity. GM Lou Lamoriello has revealed his plans to Uncle Talib (not fake news) Media and these include trading Auston Matthews to the highest bidder in order to acquire the right mix of players to ensure team success. The GM declared what is missing from the team and placing a diversity gap ceiling on its success, is a lack of representation from key elements of society. Limiting the team to white males only is making the team a woeful holdover from a dark era. Lamoriello announced that the Leafs will immediately acquire talent from the LGBT community, 2 Muslim players for offensive punch, three women of colour for a spirited defense and one Sikh to serve as alternate goalie. With this diverse mix, the team is sure to rocket to success. Auston’s inflated salary will be used to fund equitable salaries for the new players, supply prayer mats, combination goalie mask/ turban and skating lessons.
In a related announcement, Coach Mike Babcock announced that no more practices will be held on Fridays out of respect for the diverse needs of the new players and all Friday games will be cancelled for the rest of the season. Toronto’s only certifiably diverse player Nazem Kadr, expressed his delight over the news. He said that this would allow him to get back to his Muslim roots. He gushed that he will now have a chance to resume his responsibilities as part time Imam at the Caliph Uthman ibn Affan Grand Mosque in Scarborough and to mentor young congregants at risk becoming radicalized. He will oversee the night school “Explosives Technician (with Electronics option minor)” program offered by Humber College and staffed with technical instructors from the mosque. Nazeem railed against those Islamophobes who suggested that the continuing education program was an example of bad optics. He replied “well you know, everyone calls Syrian Refugees freeloaders and unemployable but once they find a a way to give back to the community, the haters still aren’t happy” . The rest of his reply was unintelligible as it seemed he was struck with an ill-timed tickle in his throat and had to continually draw his forefinger across his throat to gain relief.
Premier Kathleen Wynne was quick to announce her support for the Maple Leafs decision to embrace diversity. She announced a $50 million Government of Ontario grant to the Toronto Maple Leafs from the Human Resources Infrastructure and Inclusivity Seed Fund.
Zainab Mohamad, spokesperson for the provincial Liberal caucus emerged from Shahid Tamerlane Islamic Cultural Center to address CBC reporters gathered outside for a hastily convened press conference. Winded from climbing the stairs out of the Women’s Hall of the cavernous building located in suburban Brampton, she reminded reporters that not one penny of the money would be coming from Ontario taxpayers. Rather, she explained, the funding will be provided entirely from fines levied by The Ontario Human Rights Tribunal in its program of proactive lawsuits against racism, Islamophobia and clamping down on far rights groups in Ontario.